which is why i can never fall asleep until nearly 2am.
i have been so sober minded in my thinking as of lately. i do believe that the massively huge
covenant i am about to make with a man in less than 3 months has something to do with it.
but life is just passing by and passing by.
i mean really it is. what is mostly terrifying is that only every once in awhile
do i get this reminder. of how quickly its all going going going. i mean i always always everyday
know it in my head. but its only now and then that i feel it in my soul. really feel it in my heart and emotions.
at least once a week i look at my life and i just think Jesus, do I really love you?
I mean i know I love the idea of You
the idea of really going for it. really giving myself to Him entirely
But other then just the dream of it. do I really love Him for Him. The Man Jesus Christ. Do I love Him?
I remember a good friend of mine used to say that on judgement day when she stands before God she
wants His face to be familiar.
ever since i was little. i have always been such an all or nothing girl. and that is how i am in my relationship with God.
I just want it to be authentic. I want to know what it really is supposed to be and look like and feel like. i remember when i was living in texas just sitting in my bed at night and praying little prayers to God and asking Him to awaken my heart. And He was faithful to this. Something happened in my soul. I remember the evening it happened in kansas city, missouri. Its like my eyes were open wide for the first time and I saw new things for the first time in a new light with new eyes. Ever since then my heart has been absolutely miserable when it is mediocre. Its almost as if my heart was ruined for the ordinary. which in the end is a good thing. But now that i am living day to day going to school, going to work, soon to be a wife, how do i live?? I want my
love for Him to be pure and true. But in the midst of this I am reminded that all i have to give is weak love.
and that my weak, small love is important in His eyes. grasping that is so unbelievably difficult for me.
but I am going to try again... knowing that more confusion, question, hardship is coming. because although
there is so much about Jesus that does not make sense... He is the only thing at the end of the day that really does make sense. and that is enough for me to keep running.
